The girl's a straight up hustler.

Okay guys, so I realized this weekend while I had the house completely to myself, I do some weird things when I’m alone. And I mean, it’s okay because I’m alone when I do them, but they’re still weird. I could sit for hours in front of a mirror and pick and poke and prod at my face. Or I really love cheesy rom coms. I live for them. Sometimes I really hate that we don’t have ABC Family at my house anymore because that channel ALWAYS had the best cheesy rom coms ever. So, now because we don’t have it anymore, I’m forced to hit red box and repeat movies often. Anyway, I could write novels about the many weird things I do when I’m home alone, like talking to my dogs like they were people or dancing like a crazy person to music that is way too loud, or walking around naked because I’m alone; BUT, but I want to hear from you guys! I want to know what it is that YOU do when you’re home alone? Come on! Don’t be shy! Here’s a little secret…we’re ALL weird and creepy freaks. Everyone. So guys, what do you do when you’re home all alone?

I’m not going to sit around and wait, nope. Not anymore. I am going to pick up, grab the bull by the horns and live my life. Suck my balls universe. Shut up and suck them because I refuse to sit around. Confidence levels? Going up playas! Whaaaaat?! Okay, I can’t keep talking like that, but the underlining meaning is still there. I am going to pick up, take control, and be happy no matter what. And this is the part of the story in which I jump in the air, with a huge smile on my face, and pumping my one fist. 

Okay, so I know, earlier today I wrote that I had so much going on that I simply just did not know where to start? Well, I know where I want to start-the weather! And how gorgeous it is outside! You know what I did today on my small break when I was able to make it home? I’ll tell you what I was able to do! When I got home, I was able to change my pants for a comfy skirt, grab the big blanket from the garage, my sunglasses and my book and my phone and go lay outside and read! WITHOUT being cold at all! It was marvelous! I loved every second of it and I would never trade that time for the world! The feeling of the sun touching my skin and the light breeze ruffling my hair was like having my wildest dreams comes true! I can only wait in excitement for the days when I have to wear my bikini to keep from melting to death, all while my skin turns to a golden brown shade, like carmel.  Now, if you will all please excuse me and my very short posts as of late, but I have to leave as I am in class and we are playing with real, and disgusting skulls of things long dead. 

I think right now, I have so much going on in my mind and in my life that I don’t know where to start as far as writing about it, and that’s messing me all up inside. Also, the kid I’m sitting next to in class is reading a spiderman comic.  I’ll be back later, I think. 

So they call it a crush for a reason, right? Because they crush you and all. Most people have crushes on celebrities, or people that are unattainable, but what about the people, like me, that have a crush on someone that is actually attainable? What happens to us? Are we just doomed because we know that our crushes are attainable, but we’re too cowardly to do anything about it? Are we doomed to be crushed all the time? An eternity of being crushed? How unfair is that? The kicker though? We, those who are crushed all the time even though we like attainable people, do it to ourselves! But how do we stop?! It almost feels like, if I were to make myself like someone who likes me, I could be settling. Am I the only one who feels like that?! You know what I think? I think God should have given me super powers, like being able to control peoples minds and hearts or something. I do see the flip side of that coin though. I’m just dying over here. Because I DO have a crush on someone that IS actually attainable, but I AM too cowardly right now to see what would happen. Maybe I should just keep living vicariously through other people, books and movies? What do you think?

I am tired. I am drained. I am annoyed. I am scared. I am nervous. I am frustrated. I am too much. I do not want to do anything but read today, and yet I am stuck in class like a caged bird. Blah. 

Let’s talk about something heavy today folks, death. It’s horrible, and scary and I hate it. I hate that it takes people I love away from me. I hate that there’s no way to stop it, that it’s SO inevitable. I hate the way it leaves you feeling like someone punched a giant hole through your chest. I hate the way it takes nights away from you, keeping you awake with that giant hole and endless tears that don’t fill it back up. I hate the way your heart aches everyday for that person that death stole from you. And I hate the way you can’t prepare yourself for all of these things no matter what the circumstances are and no matter how hard you try. I keep trying, and it’s not working. I feel like I’m just standing still waiting for that punch to come along with all the rest. I can see it al coming, but theres nothing I can do. I feel so helpless and scared. Yesterday I was privileged enough to be able to write that my beautiful grandmother was home from the hospital and was enjoying her new room. And now? Well now I think I jinxed myself. She was a little off yesterday morning, but seemed to improve. Then at around 9:45 last night, her health went south. She fainted, and was in immense pain, clammy and feverish. She wasn’t lucid, responsive, aware of her surroundings. With her health in the condition it is; eye sight failing and fast, hearing not what it used to be, bad lungs, always hooked up to an oxygen machine, weak limbs, arthritis, not the strongest heart, I know that it’s so selfish of me to want to keep her here with me forever, but I just can’t help myself. To be completely honest with you…I’m desperately afraid that when she does leave me I’ll fall apart and never be put back together again. Like all the pieces of me with scatter too far to ever collect them all to reassemble me. In one of the last episodes of Sex and the City Carrie tells her then boyfriend that her friends are her family, her insides. That they HAVE to be okay. And I understand that so completely. They HAVE to be okay because if they’re not, there is no way that you can be either. Man is rarely ever truly an island, because when you love someone (and everyone loves someone at some point) you trade pieces of yourself with them. When you TRULY love someone, anyone, even if that love eventually fades into a soft misty murmur, you’re still apart of each other forever. It may be small parts, but they’re still there. Heartbreaking, I know, but it’s still true. But my family? No matter how angry and frustrated I get with them, they all have huge parts of me, and intern they mold so much of who I am. It terrifies me that I have let anyone have this much of me, but I don’t know how to love any other way. And so here I sit, terrified of the days when I start to lose myself because death is greedy.